Rainstorm

Time is ticking, for every minute I suffer

Cold at night, piercing through my skin

Snippets of memories, maybe it'll go away

Hot tears brimming down, like a rainstorm

When two becomes one, that's the bond

Of the most subtle love, the beauty

Tonight i'll sleep and dream of you,

In case tomorrow you won't be around

Being held, I listen to your heartbeat

Slowly turning into a lullaby

Eyelids closed, I feel a swish of wind

An empty space beside me no longer filled by you

What is it i'm looking for? Good question. It seems to me now i've been in a spiral of emotions, one minute I like him... the next him.... the next you.... you're all the same to me I suppose. Or either ever since my ex, I never really bothered to try anything properly. Mainly because I know these walls I built can't fall to pieces easily. And when I do have feelings for somebody, for some reason, it's natural after that for me to think that maybe things would work out even though I know it won't. Really, I say things that contradict with what I hope. Desires can't be said or measured, they can only be felt. So back to the question, what is it I'm looking for? Contentment. I'm happy, of course I am, who wouldn't be living under a roof with 3 meals a day served for you and a treehouse in your backyard? But the feeling of content? Fuck no. That shit is only for people who deserve it. Maybe I don't deserve it yet but hey, i'm trying to find a reason to be deserving of it.

"Because you try to find contentment in others by faking happiness with them and from then on, nothing is sincere"

What is it i'm scared of? As much as I want contentment in my life and someone to make me feel complete (I guess that sums up a relationship), that is exactly what i'm scared of. Scared for falling again, the whole process of getting to know each other, the parents, the jokes, the compliments, the nose touching, the winks, the love..... then the heartbreak. It's inevitable. I just feel that if I were to show my cards, i'd want it to be the right person.

I guess the principle that i've been sticking to for these past few months should go down the drain. "You're young, do whatever the fuck you want." Because in the end, you end up as insignificant as a tiny speck of dust in this big massive universe.

Coldest Stare (Writing #4)

Hold me tight, don't ever let me go

Was what I said, before you darkened the sky

With your incompetent lies, you curse the lives of empty glasses

Between the lines, of sincerity and pretend

Throw away, the broken heart and wrap it in a,

Solid lock, keep the key and open when you're,

Not afraid, of falling in a spiral that you can't,

Control, the vivid dreams of you I can't forget

Slowly, steady, I will go

Footprints crawl, as shadows fade,

You blow away, the secrets that were never told

And feed me with, your sugar coated words

Maybe fate, was feeling mean and didn't give a

Damn about, the way it had me crushed inside your 

Coldest stares, the war between heart of gold

It never struck, the time was always 9 o' clock

Father said "don't look into his bright blue eyes"

I never thought, that he'd be right and i'd be wrong

Still on spot, slowly sinking in the quicksand

Never thought, that he'd be right i'd be wrong

Walls

I'm just tired of waiting. Hopelessly or not, just tired of seeing time pass by and with so many memories made, nothing of the sort I want has been achieved. What i'm getting is not what I want, and that truly sucks. It's hard to make use of what I already have because I tend to concentrate more on chasing the things I don't have.

Live life to the fullest, they say. It's true you only live once. Definitely making the most out of mine. People say education leads you to the most successful life, but I beg to differ. Passion leads you. Success is when you're happy with what you have, that is success in your eyes. Success is when you can buy 10 Ferraris and still have about a million left in your bank account? That's in society's eyes. And may I remind you, our society is blind.

Quicksand (Writing #3)

I sense a ringing noise, from the back alley of my mind

This buzz, from an uncertain direction

Collapsing in the midst of vulnerability and helplessness

The only thing solemn is the beating of my heart

You remind me of dark past, an hour past midnight

Living in between the moon and the sun, dawn is alone

Highly intoxicated, counting the stars in your own world

All you've left is yourself

Memories are what I hold, they keep me alive

I close my eyes and I remember the bits of you

Blurring, you're suddenly fading from the image in my mind

I can't seem to grasp anything anymore

The scratching noise of a silver platter,

Reflection of what I saw, a mundane face with no smile

Grey colours today, screaming empty

The ticking sound of the clock, tick tock

Lost in where there's just millions of trees, so high above

You can't climb, you can't run, you can't walk

Sinking in the quicksand, frozen to eternity

Help, you shout out loud.

Please, you whisper.

Please.

Writing #2

A little piece of that reflection I saw,

Cracked and it's vines continued on,

And on until a defeaning sound was heard,

Crash, said the fragile mirror.

Hopes and expectations that lasted so short,

Reality takes over and becomes my best friend,

As the cold lonely night seems to arrive,

I shudder in bed with silent cries of agony.

For dawn calls as it nears 6am in the morning,

Nowhere near to collapsing into a slumber,

The first night that began almost ending,

Bringing me into a spiralling cloud of storms.

Lost

There's so much that's hidden behind the picture, behind my picture. This is beyond anything I had predicted, I definitely fell off the track.

What captures the innocence of our generation nowadays? It is no longer seen, felt or believed. Extinct to a point, maybe. We indulge in stories that influence us to believe growing up is easy once you know what you want to do. That fun will slowly walk its way towards you when you're all grown up but in actual truth, it's not.

I am now in this haze where all I see is a vague life stretched upon my eyes. Deprived of motivation and inspiration to do anything, I lay on my bed waking up everyday, thinking maybe i'd find the meaning of life by fucking staring into a white ceiling. Lost. Guidance seems to be rather far away, if not, just can't be bothered to be helped. Not too sure if you're with the right individuals, or the wrong ones. Time moves in a slow pace, waiting for me to accomplish something. And while that happens, I just .. keep doing things without thinking.

I need that fucking push.

Enjoy,