What is it i'm looking for? Good question. It seems to me now i've been in a spiral of emotions, one minute I like him... the next him.... the next you.... you're all the same to me I suppose. Or either ever since my ex, I never really bothered to try anything properly. Mainly because I know these walls I built can't fall to pieces easily. And when I do have feelings for somebody, for some reason, it's natural after that for me to think that maybe things would work out even though I know it won't. Really, I say things that contradict with what I hope. Desires can't be said or measured, they can only be felt. So back to the question, what is it I'm looking for? Contentment. I'm happy, of course I am, who wouldn't be living under a roof with 3 meals a day served for you and a treehouse in your backyard? But the feeling of content? Fuck no. That shit is only for people who deserve it. Maybe I don't deserve it yet but hey, i'm trying to find a reason to be deserving of it.

"Because you try to find contentment in others by faking happiness with them and from then on, nothing is sincere"

What is it i'm scared of? As much as I want contentment in my life and someone to make me feel complete (I guess that sums up a relationship), that is exactly what i'm scared of. Scared for falling again, the whole process of getting to know each other, the parents, the jokes, the compliments, the nose touching, the winks, the love..... then the heartbreak. It's inevitable. I just feel that if I were to show my cards, i'd want it to be the right person.

I guess the principle that i've been sticking to for these past few months should go down the drain. "You're young, do whatever the fuck you want." Because in the end, you end up as insignificant as a tiny speck of dust in this big massive universe.

Coldest Stare (Writing #4)

Hold me tight, don't ever let me go

Was what I said, before you darkened the sky

With your incompetent lies, you curse the lives of empty glasses

Between the lines, of sincerity and pretend

Throw away, the broken heart and wrap it in a,

Solid lock, keep the key and open when you're,

Not afraid, of falling in a spiral that you can't,

Control, the vivid dreams of you I can't forget

Slowly, steady, I will go

Footprints crawl, as shadows fade,

You blow away, the secrets that were never told

And feed me with, your sugar coated words

Maybe fate, was feeling mean and didn't give a

Damn about, the way it had me crushed inside your 

Coldest stares, the war between heart of gold

It never struck, the time was always 9 o' clock

Father said "don't look into his bright blue eyes"

I never thought, that he'd be right and i'd be wrong

Still on spot, slowly sinking in the quicksand

Never thought, that he'd be right i'd be wrong