My hands held nothing but a tiny speck of dust. Colours surrounded me, lights guided me. I felt electricity running through my veins. The smallest details unraveled themselves in front of my eyes, exposing themselves nakedly to me, welcoming me to their world. Patterns formed around me as the whole room lit up in colours. Sometimes it was dark and sometimes it was bright. Never had I seen anything this beautiful. I went outside and looked at the view and it was just spectacular. They all moved in a constant pattern. The world was alive and it was breathing, hard. It sort of felt a bit overwhelming. I sat down on the table to catch my breath but as soon as I did that, the world breathed harder in my face. It caught me off guard to the point that I couldn't just look at one thing anymore, I just stared blankly ahead processing the whole entire picture. I ran to the bathroom, I needed to breathe and be alone. Calm down, I whispered to myself. My vision started to blur out on the sides of my vision, then I saw white slowly colouring it's way into my world. I stopped breathing. Frozen. This tingling sensation was buzzing from the tip of my toe, rocketing up to my head intensely as if something inside me was about to explode. Only two things I felt at that particular second, being pulled away and fear. I felt whatever it was on the other side reach inside me and touch my heart, soul and mind. It was as if I was being poked by a needle at every centimeter of my skin. Blood was pulsing through my veins. This is fucking crazy, I thought. This is unbearably and intensely fucking mad. I gathered up as much courage and will to force myself to stop this before it was too late, before I experienced something I knew I was definitely not ready for yet. Finally, my head managed to tilt a bit then the feeling was gone. Relief showered over me but of course, everything was still moving around me.

The more you think about it, the more you realise that everything you thought was solid and unquestionable isn't anymore. What you thought you believed can no longer be justified, all your beliefs crushed because you discovered a whole different realm of reality. A reality that can not be explained, that has touched your heart so strong. This realm is whispering to you "nothing matters" and you see the words spell out in front of you and it's breathing, the words are breathing, the walls are breathing, everything is breathing and then you think to yourself, how can nothing matter when the entire time i've been living i've believed that? How can anyone who's always had something to hold to, just let go and turn their backs against something they trusted? Well you can. Because like I mentioned before, the more you think about the more you realize, anything can be lie. Plus, who the fuck is anyone to know anyway?

No explanation was given but yet I understood why. Nothing made sense but it did. Slowly I saw everyone else crumbling into their own world, flicking something in their head. They weren't ready for this yet. They're not ready to be tricked into something they can't understand. I closed my eyes and ignored their sounds of insanity, of craziness. Patiently waiting for the love of my life to come and caress me. Only he matters. Only he does.

Time has finally come. I finally believe that the world could actually be a good place, that it isn't just filled with a lot of disappointment. There's still magic in life. My heart feels like it's been filled with a crazy electrifying fluid that's just stimulating me to do better in life and to strive better. I'm no longer an empty piece of paper, i'm written and i'm being read by one other person, my love. Words can't really express how incredible this feeling of belonging is. It's like I was sucked into a deep hole of emotions before and someone just happened to clear up this hole im in, lending me a hand and saying "it's alright, i'm here."

It's made me wonder what is it that's special about me that's making him stay for me. What is it that I do and i've done? Looking at him always gives me a rush of happiness. Just laying next to him and looking at his face. His fluffy dirty blonde hair sticking out, his blue eyes with golden cream flecks near the middle, his soft skin and his pink lips. Everything about him makes me wonder, where did such perfection come from?

Never have I really felt this reassured before. I keep telling myself in my head that no one knows what the future holds. But with him.. I can feel and see that in the future's hands, lies us spending the rest of our lives together. It feels so right. I don't ever have to worry about anything because my fears disappear and turn invisible when he's with me. It's like what I mentioned before, magic.

The thought of not having to find anyone else that fits me so well and gets me and how I deal with life... it's just so good. I've found a beautiful person, inside and out. Who treats me well and loves me to the moon and back. I know for a fact that we fell in love so fast and strongly that he's definitely someone special cause i'm never really the kind to fall in love fast and let anyone crash down my wall unless I trust them.

It was so easy with him.
He's the one.

xx

You make me feel so vulnerable. Whenever you randomly pop up into my head, I usually just brush it off with another thought.. but why out of all times, it's now that im reminiscing? I keep thinking that whatever happened between us made me stronger, but I don't actually know anymore. I don't think you realized how in love I was with you and how amazing you made me feel. I'm honestly happy you're happy but there'll always be something inside me that'll just want to see you suffer a bit because im not in the same position you are. A bit selfish I know, but that's what happens when you value your past relationships. We barely speak to each other anymore, and it's not like we can anymore, all you would do is shake your head about the things I do in life now.. and possibly act like you care. Or maybe you do. Well it doesn't seem like that anymore, probably because you're in a different world and in love with somebody else. Don't blame you, just really wished I could feel that now but it's so fucking hard. I keep comparing every single detail and it's ridiculous. I just feel so heartbroken. I hope you valued our relationship, that's all I wish for right now. I hope it meant something to you rather than just "the girl I dated for 8 months and lost my ding-a-ling to." I just fucking hope somewhere in your heart, you still saved a little spot for me because I know I did. Despite whatever that has happened between us, I will always care. I will always fucking care. It hurts to know that maybe you might not.... that I might be the delusional one into thinking our relationship was something. You broke my heart and you were a childish bastard. Some times you were amazing but some times you were the meanest inconsiderate chode. Sometimes I wish I could burn you in hell, but sometimes I just wish for you back. I'm so fucking tired and annoyed of having this unsatisfied feeling with everyone I have a thing with or date because they never seem to make me feel like you made me feel before. I don't want to handle this. I shouldn't have to. I hate heartbreaks. I hate love. I hate everything that reminds me of you. Maybe that's why it's so hard for me to learn how to embrace someone new into my life, all these tears and pain that i'd gone through... just not worth it for another round.

Thought i'd find contentment in all my friends and family, but i've never felt so alone. Things seem so distant to me nowadays and it feels like day by day i'm just evolving into a different person, someone I don't intent to be. Typically, i'd push these thoughts away and just keep on the positive vibes but doing it everyday gets harder and harder, it's like i'm standing on quick sand, I can't ever get out of it. Too much for me too fucking handle, im so sick of it, so sick of thinking of you whenever im down, so sick of having to wonder why i'm still feeling this way, so sick of seeing you not care, so sick of telling myself 'im better than this', so sick of acting mature when all I want to do is smash everything in my room, so sick of memories, so sick of having this thick ass wall, so sick, so fucking sick of it but yet, I still care and that's what hurts the most.

It's just so easy for love to twist
Into hatred, hate and deep angst
But it all happens
In just a silent black second
When no one is watching and you're closing your eyes
Replaying every single memory
Then you cry longing for him
While wishing he was shot dead

2013

You carry your wisdom and your life all throughout your smiles and laughter,
and you hope that maybe it'll spread, to the very core of the earth, to every drip of the ocean, to every cell of the people around you. But those things don't last, they're left as a memory, merely a temporary image of a motion. They'll look through every scar and cut you have when you make a mistake, won't even be the lenient teacher who lets you off because you're late for school. They'll dig you up and push you to the end, needless to say, until you're miserable and they're satisfied.

I am frustrated, hurt and stressed. Im sure those I've affected are too, but let me ask you something, are you getting a handful of judgmental comments? Are you reading posts knowing that they are indeed talking about you and its nothing heart warming? Are you getting bitched upon bluntly? For crying out loud, did you all maybe forget i'm human too or did you just intentionally forget that so you could go up about bitching relentlessly so you won't feel bad?

The fact that you people could jump to the conclusion that I am a social climber and all I just need is higher rank of friends is making me cringe so hard. First of all, if you know me, then you would know that I literally DO NOT give two flying cowbird shits whether you come from that backdoor alleyway or that big ass mansion that has tiles and walls that cost more than my life. I will talk to you the same way no matter who you are (unless you're a rude twat in which case, bye). Just because I have a variety set of friends does not mean that I am a social climber. I am friendly and if you can't accept that then gtfo. Second of all, I would never use anyone to get to know more people. (Since you've been so intent on the fact that you feel used, let me know who is it i've used you for, name me) If I did use you I wouldn't, again, give two flying cowbird shits about you, but I do and i've taken care of you with all my heart. And yet, YET, I get this critical judgement from you that I totally do not expect because out of all people, I thought you would know me best. Didn't expect you to stick up for me babe, but I didn't expect you to turn your back against me either. Its like you're fully forgetting who I am and suddenly believing the me that other people are creating. I trusted you not to take sides. You say you're pissed at me because i've lied to you about big things (which don't even involve you). Which are what exactly? I admitted my mistake. I also do not have to tell you every single thing. I know we trusted each other but I'm about sure there are things you never told me either. Never have I said or judged anything you did, NEVER. Fuck man I am so upset about this because I expected so much from you. I know you did too from me, but i've never done anything to you and I don't know how my mistake to another person has to jeopardize our friendship. I'm not going to apologize to you nor sit here rotting while you talk away my flaws in public. You should think again. I appreciated our friendship because there was a mutual understanding. My bad if you never felt it. Feel free to go if so.

People need to get their facts straight and really stop assuming and believing everything that everyone seems to come up with. If you had any conscience you would know that it is never right to be a bully. If you consider me unholy for what I did, please take a second to look at yourself in the mirror and think whether you've been the best saint in the world or not. I've been nothing but kind to each and every one of you. I could splurge all of your dirty little secrets if I wanted to (please, half of you have bitched about the whole world to me) but I won't because I am neither of you. I may have made a mistake, but i'm not the one downgrading friends.

Everyone's just exaggerating so much when this issue is merely just a personal problem. This is not fucking gossip girl or some drama tv show you aim to be in.
Im so sick of this to the point of almost puking.

And why the fuck would I drug a really close friend of mine?

Rainstorm

Time is ticking, for every minute I suffer

Cold at night, piercing through my skin

Snippets of memories, maybe it'll go away

Hot tears brimming down, like a rainstorm

When two becomes one, that's the bond

Of the most subtle love, the beauty

Tonight i'll sleep and dream of you,

In case tomorrow you won't be around

Being held, I listen to your heartbeat

Slowly turning into a lullaby

Eyelids closed, I feel a swish of wind

An empty space beside me no longer filled by you

What is it i'm looking for? Good question. It seems to me now i've been in a spiral of emotions, one minute I like him... the next him.... the next you.... you're all the same to me I suppose. Or either ever since my ex, I never really bothered to try anything properly. Mainly because I know these walls I built can't fall to pieces easily. And when I do have feelings for somebody, for some reason, it's natural after that for me to think that maybe things would work out even though I know it won't. Really, I say things that contradict with what I hope. Desires can't be said or measured, they can only be felt. So back to the question, what is it I'm looking for? Contentment. I'm happy, of course I am, who wouldn't be living under a roof with 3 meals a day served for you and a treehouse in your backyard? But the feeling of content? Fuck no. That shit is only for people who deserve it. Maybe I don't deserve it yet but hey, i'm trying to find a reason to be deserving of it.

"Because you try to find contentment in others by faking happiness with them and from then on, nothing is sincere"

What is it i'm scared of? As much as I want contentment in my life and someone to make me feel complete (I guess that sums up a relationship), that is exactly what i'm scared of. Scared for falling again, the whole process of getting to know each other, the parents, the jokes, the compliments, the nose touching, the winks, the love..... then the heartbreak. It's inevitable. I just feel that if I were to show my cards, i'd want it to be the right person.

I guess the principle that i've been sticking to for these past few months should go down the drain. "You're young, do whatever the fuck you want." Because in the end, you end up as insignificant as a tiny speck of dust in this big massive universe.