You make me feel so vulnerable. Whenever you randomly pop up into my head, I usually just brush it off with another thought.. but why out of all times, it's now that im reminiscing? I keep thinking that whatever happened between us made me stronger, but I don't actually know anymore. I don't think you realized how in love I was with you and how amazing you made me feel. I'm honestly happy you're happy but there'll always be something inside me that'll just want to see you suffer a bit because im not in the same position you are. A bit selfish I know, but that's what happens when you value your past relationships. We barely speak to each other anymore, and it's not like we can anymore, all you would do is shake your head about the things I do in life now.. and possibly act like you care. Or maybe you do. Well it doesn't seem like that anymore, probably because you're in a different world and in love with somebody else. Don't blame you, just really wished I could feel that now but it's so fucking hard. I keep comparing every single detail and it's ridiculous. I just feel so heartbroken. I hope you valued our relationship, that's all I wish for right now. I hope it meant something to you rather than just "the girl I dated for 8 months and lost my ding-a-ling to." I just fucking hope somewhere in your heart, you still saved a little spot for me because I know I did. Despite whatever that has happened between us, I will always care. I will always fucking care. It hurts to know that maybe you might not.... that I might be the delusional one into thinking our relationship was something. You broke my heart and you were a childish bastard. Some times you were amazing but some times you were the meanest inconsiderate chode. Sometimes I wish I could burn you in hell, but sometimes I just wish for you back. I'm so fucking tired and annoyed of having this unsatisfied feeling with everyone I have a thing with or date because they never seem to make me feel like you made me feel before. I don't want to handle this. I shouldn't have to. I hate heartbreaks. I hate love. I hate everything that reminds me of you. Maybe that's why it's so hard for me to learn how to embrace someone new into my life, all these tears and pain that i'd gone through... just not worth it for another round.

Thought i'd find contentment in all my friends and family, but i've never felt so alone. Things seem so distant to me nowadays and it feels like day by day i'm just evolving into a different person, someone I don't intent to be. Typically, i'd push these thoughts away and just keep on the positive vibes but doing it everyday gets harder and harder, it's like i'm standing on quick sand, I can't ever get out of it. Too much for me too fucking handle, im so sick of it, so sick of thinking of you whenever im down, so sick of having to wonder why i'm still feeling this way, so sick of seeing you not care, so sick of telling myself 'im better than this', so sick of acting mature when all I want to do is smash everything in my room, so sick of memories, so sick of having this thick ass wall, so sick, so fucking sick of it but yet, I still care and that's what hurts the most.